


To Love a Troll

by Monsterunderthefedora



Series: The Misadventures of a Witcher and His Bard [6]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Geralt doesn't know how his bard gets himself into these things, Jaskier in distress, Jaskier is happy to have an admirer, M/M, rock trolls are well meaning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:08:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24151831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsterunderthefedora/pseuds/Monsterunderthefedora
Summary: Jaskier finds himself kidnapped by a rock troll prince who likes his singing. Said prince intends on marrying him. Geralt is not sure how this happened but he's done with everything.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: The Misadventures of a Witcher and His Bard [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1738909
Comments: 7
Kudos: 117





	1. Pretty Birdy

"I don't see why I can't go with you."

"Jaskier. These are rock trolls. You have to be very careful when you're talking to them."

"Are you saying I'm not careful?"

"Yes."

"Ugh," Jaskier let out an offended gasp as Geralt readied Roache to leave their camp. 

"Just, stay here. I'll be back later. Hopefully I can convince the trolls to stop taking the town's sheep."

"Are they eating them?"

"Probably not. Trolls are collectors. They like to keep things. Like shoes. Or really shiny rocks." Mounting his horse Geralt began to trot off when Jaskier picked up his lute. "And no playing. You might scare them off." The bard huffed as Geralt disappeared into the woods. Strumming his lute in spite as he hummed the lyrics to the newest ballad he was working on.

"There was once was a Witcher, could do anything. Head so far up his ass he...hmm what rhymes with anything?" Jaskier grabbed his journal, scribbling the lyrics down. "Ring....sing...king? Oooooo, king. I like that." The bard strummed the lute again but stopped when he heard a loud crunching behind him. Looking around he called out. "Geralt?" 

No answer.

"....Geralt I swear on Melitele's tits if you're trying to scare me..." The bard lifted his lute uncertain when he felt a hand grab his doublet and lift him around. He let out a distressed yelp as he came face to face with....well it was one of the ugliest things he'd seen in his life. A giant rock creature with a fleshy maw. It's back was huge and jutting like a boulder was glued to it. This must be one of the trolls Geralt was looking for.

"Heh...." The creature was grinning as his other hand came towards Jaskier. The bard flinched away as it ran a rough hand through his hair. "Pretty birdie...." 

"W-what?" Jaskier stuttered out as it began to move.

"Sing pretty." The creature repeated. Lifting Jaskier up and throwing the bard over it's shoulder. He gasped at the harsh movement, the creature still keeping a strong hold on him. "T-take home...."

Oh. Well at least there was someone around here who appreciated his talent.


	2. Chapter 2

Trolls were inherently harmless. Like humans. Only bigger. And bulkier. And somehow even more stupid. But well intentioned. At least that's what Geralt said. Jaskier couldn't help but agree as the one carrying him down a cavern of a dark cave sang the melody he heard Jaskier practicing earlier.

"...head so far up his ass..." The trip growled out. "What bout rest of song?"

"Rest of the song?"

"Birdy needs to sing rest of song!" The troll excitedly jerked the bard again. Jaskier wheezing. Definitely a bruised rib or two. 

"I...ugh, I need my lute!"

"Lute...?" The troll asked confused as he lifted Jaskier by his doublet in front of it's face.

"You know," Jaskier mimicked strumming an instrument, "it has strings. It helps with my music."

"Where lute?" The troll asked.

"It's at my camp," Jaskier goes this troll wasn't exceptionally bright, "just let me go back and get it and I'll finish the song!"

"Mmmm..." The troll seemed to be contemplating it when the was a roar from deeper in the cave. Jaskier flinched in the troll's grip. What the hell was that?

"Chert!" The troll also flinched as a figure moved in the shadows. Coming out to reveal another rock troll. Only this one was much, much larger. Head almost colliding with the roof of the cave as he moved. "You late. Where food?"

Food?!

Jaskier panicked, writhing against the troll-Chert in attempts to escape. 

"No food!" The troll laughed, holding Jaskier out. The other troll sniffing Jaskier as he ran a rough finger along the bard's face.

"Pre...pretty...." The other troll was staring at Jaskier in a way the bard couldn't describe. Jaskier was surprised when he was roughly grabbed by the waist. His ribs crying out as he yelped. "Mine." That...didn't sound good.

~~

"Hmmm." Geralt staked out the cave the troll tracks had led him to. Strange, trolls didn't tend travel in groups. But he'd counted at least eight or nine. Alone they were easy to talk to, but in groups they tended to get angrier. 

"Eugh!" One of the trolls grunted loudly as they left the cave. Geralt sucked behind a boulder as it walked towards him. Plopping on the nearby trail loudly as it ground its fist into head repeatedly. "Stupid....stupid....stupid...."

"What's wrong?" Geralt approached the troll who turned to see the white haired man.

"Birdy...Birdy gone..." The creature said sadly.

"Birdy?" Geralt asked kneeling in front of the troll.

"Blue Birdy...he talk a lot..." Geralt's eyebrows scrunched in confusion when it hit him. He was talking about Jaskier.

"What happened?" Geralt asked concerned, the troll not looking up.

"Showed king bir....birdy..." The trolls had a king? "King took birdy....wanna marry birdy..."

The witcher tried not to laugh. Someone wanting to marry Jaskier? 

"Could you show me where the birdy is?"

"Dunno...king be mad. Very mad....me no want make king mad...."

"Please?" Geralt asked and the troll contemplated when something heavy struck him from behind. The troll in front of him scuffled away. His head barely turning to see another troll holding a rock above it's head before it smashed down and his world went black.


	3. Chapter 3

"Mmmmphhh...." Geralt groaned as he awoke. Eyes refusing to open as his head pounded. It felt like blood rushing to his ears as a grinding noise became more apparent.

The witcher's eyes snapped open. Looking around confused for a moment as his eyes adjusted in your dim light. The outline of trolls nearby made his eyebrows scrunch in confusion. Why was everything upside down?

"Beefy lady up!" The witcher was jerked as something suddenly pushed him. Eyes darting up Geralt was made very aware of the fact he was hung upside down over a small fire. Ah. Hungry trolls were never rational trolls....wait. Did they just call him beefy?

"Hungry, eat now?" Another nearby troll reached for Geralt but had it's hand slapped away by the one in front of the witcher.

"No eat! King said so."

"But I hungry..." The troll rubbed it's stomach, eyeing the witcher.

"After king marries tiny man." The troll grumbled, shuffling off. Geralt grunted as struggled against the ropes, wincing when it only made his headache worse.

"Fucking..." Geralt murmured when he saw a familiar figure. "Jaskier?" His bard was sat on top a bed of rocks. Singing a song as the trolls around him clapped along to the beat. 

"There once was a witcher, could do anything. Head so far up his ass, he acted like a king. But as it turns out, he didn't know a thing!" The bard sang loudly as the creatures laughed along. A larger troll sat beside him with what looked like a makeshift stone crown atop his head. The king presumably. It was almost the size of the cavern they were in. He grinned as Jaskier stopped to take a bow for his crowd.

"Again!" The king growled out, slamming his fist against the wall in excitement.

"Of course! But later, I need a small break." 

"Break...?"

"Just a moment!" Jaskier practically skipped off the rocks towards Geralt, a large smirk on his face. If Geralt's hands weren't tied behind his back he was incredibly tempted to punch the man in the face. "Well, well, Geralt, fancy seeing you here."

"Get me down. Now."

"But why would I do that?"

"To get us both out of here."

"The thing is Geralt, I actually quite like it here. See they actually appreciate my music. Unlike some people." Jaskier snapped at the witcher. "The king likes it so much he decided he wants to marry me."

Geralt laughed. Loudly.

"What's so funny about that?"

"You know what this means, right?"

"...no?"

"If you marry the troll, he's going to want to, er....consummate the relationship." Jaskier made a face before he seemed to connect the dots. The joy now completely gone and replaced by horror as he looked back at the king then at Geralt.

"I...he," Jaskier sputtered. "We need to leave. Now." Jaskier looked around for something to cut Geralt down with when the king grabbed the bard roughly. Jaskier wheezing loudly. "Oh this cannot be good for my lungs."

"No wait more."

"But I-ooofff!" The troll's hand squeezed the bard. 

"Ceremony. Now! Then food!" The rest of the trolls cheered excitedly. Jaskier's eyes begging Geralt for help. The witcher sighing loudly.

If Vesemir could see him now, Geralt knew the old man would be rolling in his grave.


End file.
